in the end
I went on a date
I had so much going on in my head
I just wanted some fun
some laughter
distraction
well now it seems
the boot is on the other foot for me
myriad of messages
too many for me to keep up with
deep thoughts communicated
from a person I hardly know
it is me whom is exhausted by it
makes me laugh and cry at the same time
this understanding
this knowledge
I laugh at the joy of learning
the irony of it
I cry as this knowledge has come too late for us
They said i was still in love with you
I was just me
I don't even exsplain that I shall always love you
that you touched a place in me that is sacred
rarely visited
locked
only serves to make me smile
the joy of knowing that this is how i love
im aware of many things
that its too much for you
overwhelming
I can see that
do I hide it?
no i just live with it
keep it from you
find a way to love you that you can accept
feel the love
not pressure
how I do that I do not know
so im reserved
sit back
allow the universe to aid you
understand that my role is for me
to do the same for myself
all consuming love
so strong
for one so naive
I just let it
spread
infect
and im sorry
try not to feel it as pressure
ha!
how does one do that
with one so verbose?
so passionate?
I guess you push it away to appoint where
its equidistant to the space you need
I understand
even petulant me understands
want you to find your own freedom
your own motivation
and from that energy will come forth for you
not drain
cause pain
so im so happy its you
so sad too
for I never wanted to add a layer
to the onion
so peel away
you will get there
you will become confident
that im incharge of me
that im safe
its safe to be near
sophie
that the pain for me
is a beautiful acceptance
of not being
where I want to be
but I am however
where I need to be
can you imagine having to be around me
as my dad is dying?
how awefuly gloomy it would be
you need the opposite
and
im glad
as alone
I can keep the castle walls intact
that you
and you alone
can bring them crumbling down
what a responsibility
crack the vulnerability
see the authentic me
and they all crumble down
and I cant have that
burry it
push it down
act the clown
be pragmatic
phlegmatic
so I support you
doing whats right for you
and know im strong
and I don't need you
but miss you
yes
miss how my heart feels just seeing you
even under awkward times
I look at you
and
and
it just all clicks
and love overwhelms me
not just for you
but for me
and for life itself
what a gift
for life itself
and im left feeling
selfish
and thinking about health
and that wealth
that wealth you give me
the knowing
independent knowing
that only the universe conspiring for me finding you
and you I
has given me
wrapped up so nicely
for ever inspiring me
never divisive
so im sorry
sorry for you
that I cannot stop loving you
but you will get busy with other stuff
understand its no threat
and it will all be ok
better than ok
for us both
and we will drink feoja vodka
and toast our own health
and laugh with each other
about that silly time
we tried
failed
glad for the closeness
the gifts it brought
self knowledge
like going to college
yeah
life college
