ice berg

vomit was my bodies answer

stomach emptied  itself

as if to purge me

so filled was I with bile

 

I watched it

all that nourishment

wasted

repelled from my biology

 

every second felt like an hour

oscillations of relief and grief

what fairy tale had I woven

projected onto you

 

I would of gone anywhere

built you castles

fuelled my empty drive

just to have your trust

 

I cut you short

I knew what I was doing

easier for me that way

and at last I needed to think of me

 

I sit playing the violin

the ship askew

taking on water

but I am the iceberg now

sinking to a lower buoyancy

freshwater tipped

salty adrift

 

I think of you

how tired I am of thinking of you

all your wondrous attributes

your beauty

the quirks of organisation

I bent so often

that in the end

I just broke

 

I was weak to start with

I thought so much weaker than you

I think you equally tired of it

of the struggle

and I found you to fight me

question me

in the kindest fashion

 

I was always explaining myself 

I just accepted you

love you

still do

 

I see myself as the problem

that you need not this

me

so I become ugly

to extent the space

chivalrous in some twisted way

I just didn't want to hear it in the end

 

I know you will be alright

that im doing the right thing for you

but for me

for me

no

this isn't right for me

and I can only really guess

the communication so sparse

that it is hard to know what you feel

think

want

wanted

 

I loved you too much I think

yes

too much

and I cant understand why this would be so bad

to be loved so

adored

smothered you I guess

choked it with my own hand

 

the colour has gone out of my world

black and white

and I am grey gilled

pity filled

it is intense

and vomit comes forth again

pain spews from me

I want to curl into a ball

 

I don't think I will ever heal from this

this is the most beautiful pain I have ever felt

to know I can love so

feel so

that I hurt so

because I know so

 

we could have limped along

so rude was I to not even let you have your words

just didn't want to hear

the silence painful

the words so much more

truth needed

and it needed to be raw

honest

before now

 

every time I think of you

I just want to stick up for you

want to shout all the beautiful things

about you

to the world

and then I think

I just gave you away

I didn't deserve you

but I know I did

I know I did

 

im not frightened of the pain

my pain

I regret the pain I gave to you

and to stop that

I just did it myself

to myself

couldn't let you do it

couldn't sully you with it

so I took responsibility

I ran at the spear

as fast as I could

and threw my chest at it

and here I hang

off my feet

dangling in mid air

a slow lovers death

minimising the damage as much as I can

as my heart slows

not letting myself flail with the pain

and this heart

I beg it to stop

let me be cold

older and colder

and not so bold

and who was I to think I deserved anything

deserve anything for me and me alone

arrogant

conceited

naieve

ignorant

folly filled

the spear slips a little deeper into me

reminds me

oh what a beautiful pain I shout to the skies

I feel so blessed

to love another so much

that I remove myself from there world

feel so blessed that I have lived to love like this

to be so emotionally undressed

 

slow heart

please stop

before I drown

in this river

of salty tear drops