log agog

Sunshine cab ride

thought it was a love vibe

couldn't be more wrong

and

back to my own tribe

I don't mind

its no matter

I'm forever involved

I am my happy ever after

its no mind

its no mention

laugh out loud

relived of tension

pretentious pretention

looking for self invention

worry worry

bad girl detention

log agog

relived its off my foot

wrote out my prediction

not my business another's affliction

I don't care

if others stare

for I am real

percussive

paradiddle boogie

only I can move me

relived and a movie

crash elsewhere

happy in my meanness

optical truth of mine

always moving

always fine

30 seconds

walk away

empty pockets

high on pay

dead end

sunshine laughter

That time of year

soft butter

popping buds

blue skies

wide smiles

t shirts

short skirts

free

liberated

experience full

and the smile

wide as the Nile

I never want to go back

loose focus

pull track

I gave what I give

100%

I live what I love

hands on

without protective gloves

standing alone

how I love to be overlooked

ignored

gives me freedom

gives me reason

enjoy this season

of self love

sharing with real ones

me and him

loyal

to each other

arm in arm

with our

sunshine charm

independent

when you reply on nobody

you just know

you can rely on yourself

an old tree

with its own canopy

shading its own roots

swaying its own dance

need no viewing

to know

the joy of its existence

Misplaced leaf

taken by a leaf thief

well

its got plenty

generous tree

doesn't mind

already producing more

float away

invisible

for now is now

focus right here

eyes forward

knowledge brings laughter

a tower of leaves

are my bed

for the reclining

of the happy ever after

take a look

shedding

shredding

torn

reborn

shading

fading

blank

page

ended

begun

pause

pause

unbounded

free

given back

slack attack

miss me

missed me

knowledge

has yet to begin

crumpled

rumpled

self straitening

crease free

gladly

happily

full lungs

liberty

ancestral

rigmarole

toll

toll

stitched in

boxed

trying hard

try hard

too hard

truth

keep it

weep it

sweep it

swept

shedding

removing ill skin

ending that

excitedly begin

think

no more

question?

snore

false

positive

positively

false

weave

the rope

gravity

falls the floor

always seeking

a better door

simpler

I

fly here

bye bye

more life

in a wooden box

sly old love

is a strangled fox

laying forest floor

yawn

fake handbags

quality lags

in the zip

open the fabric teacup

take a look

cowboy song

Its a good life

if you can be taught to look

its in the air we breath

in the food we cook

here alone

its feels real nice

there aint a thing id add

aint a thing that aint just right

there horizon I yearned for

well its here now at my feet

makes me happy

to know this complete

its not that things didn't pass me by

things I loved

I let go

I let them free to fly

how does if feel

to be away

do you get your shit done?

does your time pay?

its good for me

I like a small ole life

I like being complication free

but I knew that from the start

and the zephyr flew past

I saw behind the mask

blockades embellished with brocade

lacework upon face work

I put my life on hold

so committed I was

so bold the heart that beat

I found that drum was little fun

I let go on my coat

all my troubles fell

naked I stand

more knowledge upon my hand

its a grateful heart

and I rejoice

and I wouldn't change

not a single choice

for I know what I know

and I want not a thing

and if I did

it blew away with a cold wind

and it flies free

through the branches and clouds

and for the love of it

is in me

there aint nothing I shared

that isn't truth and real

now I stay here

knowing absence aint really real

I feel bad that your too young to know

that you can let it go

but it wont ever really go

I don't guess, I just know

if you can grow a life

well make it your own

its gone in a wink

and I rely on my own

fly

Fatigue sweeps across me

I awake tired

its down hill from there

so tired

all I can do is either push

or lay awake

my brain

the first computer

tic tok

the ifs

the whys

the if onlys

I push regret away

its no use

brain plays in the obtuse

I rest there

watching

colour, perfume, behaviour

the birds have a ton of energy

alive with blossom

grumpy fuckers with each other

territory

ownership

survival

I lay back

watch it all

upside down am I

dream the dream

imagine

what it must be like to fly

strong

I look

I feel silenced

observation

time

all efforts have been made

I feel in a steady space

knowledge formed

there is little I cannot face

ive done all I can

ive been thoroughly true

in my heart

I know I love you

to know this love

it set me free

a love so deep

it split the very heart of me

it showed me how

and know I know

to ive you love

I must love myself so

I give myself a gentle space

invite loved ones in

take joy in there face

and it with winged hearted abundance

I fly

not for you

not to you

but to guide the way

come this way I call

come with me

play

laugh allot

know I'm strong

I will shield you

support you

when there is no bird song

and pure as pure can be

you are always here for me

honest

pure

excitable

demure

kind

uncomplicated

Ive always known

you were mine

that we were fated

cloudscape

cloudscapes

trawl in my head

eyes flicker

towards my bed

sacred space

heavenly place

consummate ease

baby please

the heart

unlatching linen given

old wrongs

forgiven

all learning driven

soul smitten

purring like old style

kitten

everything, given

slow motion love

folding, bending, mesmerism

gilded golding

the now, moulding

heat, light

no matter how cold

no matter how dark

hand holding

see you through

whatever

see me with you

my pleasure

knock knock

open door

clothes cast

upon the high thread floor

you

adore

me

adore

open hands

clap

silent

applause

hold you

to hold me

give it

to keep it

brings more

and

more

no snore, never bore

beauty in the vulnerable

in the flaws

that trust allows

to show

time will pass

lifes shall be made

children will grow

the path is made

small steps

courage in the shadows

joy in the sun

feel all around me, the fun

hearts tapestries

flowing rivers quench

even the bitterest tears

that life did drench me, us through

I never gave up

neither did you

143, has been the only thing

I ever, freely, gave to you

communication

solution

keep the lines

true

beautiful me

It is my curse

for love to choose me

and not to let me go

my heart so soft

my mouth so hard

silent pain surrounds me

I want to sit with him one more time

I want to hold your hand here

and know lady you need my hand too

share this life ive built

alone I am

accepting silence I do

my love out of just that

I do not talk to you

about him

preferring to be silent

preferring to observe

sadness floods me

not for a single day

but for memories of hiding

tenderly I hold all my pain

in perfect stasis I am

not even fearing of vulnerability

comfortable

complex beauty

I open my hands

hold you

tend to you

love you

only to find out

that this loveable thing

this melancholy beauty

is me

date fait

in the end

I went on a date

I had so much going on in my head

I just wanted some fun

some laughter

distraction

 

well now it seems

the boot is on the other foot for me

myriad of messages

too many for me to keep up with

deep thoughts communicated

from a person I hardly know

 

it is me whom is exhausted by it

makes me laugh and cry at the same time

this understanding

this knowledge

I laugh at the joy of learning

the irony of it

I cry as this knowledge has come too late for us

 

They said i was still in love with you

I was just me

I don't even exsplain that I shall always love you

that you touched a place in me that is sacred

rarely visited

locked

 

only serves to make me smile

the joy of knowing that this is how i love

im aware of many things

that its too much for you

overwhelming

I can see that

do I hide it?

no i just live with it

keep it from you

find a way to love you that you can accept

feel the love

not pressure

 

how I do that I do not know

so im reserved

sit back

allow the universe to aid you

understand that my role is for me

to do the same for myself

 

 

all consuming love

so strong

for one so naive

I just let it

spread

infect

and im sorry

 

try not to feel it as pressure

ha!

how does one do that

with one so verbose?

so passionate?

 

I guess you push it away to appoint where

its equidistant to the space you need

I understand

 

even petulant me understands

want you to find your own freedom

your own motivation

and from that energy will come forth for you

 

not drain

cause pain

 

so im so happy its you

so sad too

for I never wanted to add a layer

to the onion

so peel away

 

you will get there

you will become confident

that im incharge of me

that im safe

its safe to be near

sophie

 

that the pain for me

is a beautiful acceptance

of not being

where I want to be

 

but I am however

where I need to be

can you imagine having to be around me

as my dad is dying?

how awefuly gloomy it would be

you need the opposite

and

im glad

as alone

I can keep the castle walls intact

that you

and you alone

can bring them crumbling down

 

what a responsibility

crack the vulnerability

see the authentic me

and they all crumble down

and I cant have that

burry it

push it down

act the clown

be pragmatic

phlegmatic

 

so I support you

doing whats right for you

and know im strong

and I don't need you

but miss you

yes

miss how my heart feels just seeing you

even under awkward times

I look at you

and

and

 

it just all clicks

and love overwhelms me

not just for you

but for me

and for life itself

 

what a gift

for life itself

and im left feeling

selfish

and thinking about health

and that wealth

that wealth you give me

the knowing

independent knowing

that only the universe conspiring for me finding you

and you I

has given me

wrapped up so nicely

 

for ever inspiring me

never divisive

 

so im sorry

sorry for you

that I cannot stop loving you

but you will get busy with other stuff

understand its no threat

and it will all be ok

better than ok

 

for us both

and we will drink feoja vodka

and toast our own health

and laugh with each other

about that silly time

we tried

failed

glad for the closeness

the gifts it brought

self knowledge

like going to college

yeah

life college

 

 

 

 

 



the gift

oh muse of mine

oh muse so fine

yes you my sweetest beauty

I try to write

with all my might

of others but im found lacking

 

my heart so full

of all the good

that you decanted unto me

 

 

if I could change myself

bring forth an elf

to sprinkle some magic dust

 

to increase my gentle

decrease my lust

oh how I would be so grateful

 

in my eyes

no prettier skies

have I ever trodden foot upon

 

inside out

there is no doubt

that beauty is just the word

 

all the energy gifted to me

has be used to garden my soul

I just wonder whats the price

of that generous gift to the giver

 

received with thanks

universal pranks

its strange how blessed i feel

 

to be chosen to share

the intimate air

with such a delicate

one such as you

 

our friendship will mend

be different

stronger

kinder

longer

 

 

just the thought makes me feel uplifted

but I shall never forget

the love that met

and for this I shall

always feel gifted

blue is the colour

I thought if I went out in the rain

that nobody would see my tears

keep everyone away from my pain

 

I trudged about

splashing my feet

enjoying my child's fun

 

and I looked up

and there you were

my miss marple

 

I told myself

as I had to walk by to get to the car

that I wouldn't make myself known

as I didn't want to cry

 

I tried

and to my horror

I saw my hand in view

and it reached for you

 

and there you were

and there you were

 

I bit my gums

to keep myself in the moment

wanted to lay on the pavement

and cry

 

but how I could I let you see that?

how could I let anyone see that?

 

I didn't know what to do

sadly thrilled at seeing you

 

and so

I walked to my car

keeping my son close

 

I sat in my car

choked

missing stuck in my throat

like a native in a stoats throat

 

I told myself

why didn't you ask them for coffee?

because I didn't know how I would be

didn't want it to make it difficult for another 3

 

took my tears home with me

took them home

 

I think

how do I get that friendship back

how can I ever go back to that

 

I want to

how I want to

 

I muse

maybe its not us but me

maybe this how it all is for me

to always loose the precious kindest souls

 

I don't have any choices

im all alone

in a house

 

and everywhere I go

we been before

so each remind me of you

and the time before

 

it wasn't all rosey

was hard all the learning

but authentic love I have for you

a rare commodity

 

I take the quitepine

helps me to sleep

went to see the doctor

a virus I had

told her my loss

 

and maybe its the rain

that makes me feel so grey

like there is going to be no end

to this loss

this grief

 

I count my blessings

I count them twice

ill count them all day

 

in the distance your still there

tending to yourself

and I want that

for you to only focus on you

 

but it doesn't take the tears away

doesn't stop me feeling blue

 

 

start again

I observed

knowing there was nothing I could do with the space

between us

 

I felt comfort

thankful to the rock pools

for giving you the peace I could not

 

I want to be the person that just lets go

I don't want this love I carry

I tell myself I shall learn to live with it

 

there is a gap

I try to fill it

but what filled it was unique

I have the knowledge I treasured all of it

all of you

 

id never had such a mind to share

so clever

so beautiful

so observant

so thoughtful

so kind

 

emotionally unavailable I think

not through wish

but through situation

through nature maybe

 

no judgment

just how it feels

 

im a realist

and a dreamer

took comfort in knowing you

the hugs

the touches

the looks

the blushes

 

I look in others for you

but you're not there

and im reminded

of my loss

my loss

 

I know in the end

if I was better

more together

that we could have made it

my heart wanted forever

 

so patient am I

that I will wait

this life time and the next

 

there I shall start the journey all over again

my search for you

and I hope

how I hope

 

that in the next life time

that it will be the time

that then

we wont pass like ships

 

that we can stay

and enjoy each other  love

that I can stay

that I can stay

 

and I wonder

what happened that day

how I hate this home

amalgamated as I am

 

I wont forget supposed friends stupidity

and the cost to me

frailty of my own forgiveness

 

I don't want to start a new with another

I want to start again

just with you

 

splat

words choke me

my choices land

mud splatters

grey sky thinking day

 

only from the outside

do I understand

love offered

returned

to sender

 

now im a pretender

suck it up

throw off the pain

scrub it off

watch it fall

 

splat

im a prat

no doubt of that

irrelevant is where im happiest at

 

on the margins

safe from harm

on the outside

alone

strong

 

that seed

it dropped through

a concreted crack

 

it grew

emotionally unavailable

it was

 

no matter how much sun shone

no matter how much water it was tended with

awkward tentative

grew against its will

 

but that seed loved its feet in the dirt

could see the world down here

could see up the worlds skirt

its secrets

 

crooked

weak

but the dirt gave its friend

all the love it could

gave it all its honest minerals

but the seed

wished not for minerals

but for vitamins

 

the storm came

had been before

the crooked seed tried

but a gust came

uprooted so said seed

and separated it from the dirt

 

off it flew

petals

stem

roots, a few

 

the dirt

safe under concrete slabs

under the crack a space

where seed had landed

roots had grown

 

but that was before the gust came

and now all that was left

was the knowledge

that the seed had flown

and a lasting impression

 

the earth

the greater part of that dirt

held it together

that dirt loved so much

it let the seed go

fly free

onwards on its journey

somewhere else to sow

 

and the rain came

and through the concrete a raindrop fell

and a muddy splat resulted

dirt let go

but never of the dream

the feeling of that union

forever germinating in its heart

 

and the splatted travelled earth

accepted its fate

tried to forget

couldn't

wanted a river to grow

wash it away

but I guess the price

the dirt pays

for having cracks above it

for its fertile heart

for loving the seed

for taking its chance

now the dirt could only participate

in a far off dance

 

rain kept coming

the rain kept coming

 

 

my home

oh how truly blessed I am

to be able to stand tall

to have shoulders wide enough

to carry the true opinionated

painfully earnest me

 

how I have walked on burning coals

and fought so hard

and lost so much just for the right

to be me

 

i ask myself

"is it worth it"

"would compromise have kept more and been easier?"

 

 

i am not the sort

to be able to speak a half truth

to live a half life

to not sleep in the gutter for my beliefs

 

 

it is the need to sleep straight in my bed

that makes me so

I cannot see the point of living this life I have been given

bent by others

 

even so

bent by others

this attitude of mine has left me

limping free

but free in truth and self responsibility i am

 

the convenient truth

that nothing and know one is

nor can be perfect

to themselves or to others

 

my sister tried to please

and bent and bitter she seems now

where did all her joy go?

I just don't know

she must have had some

shouldn't she?

 

I understand

truth

real life

struggles

I don't mind hurt

as long as it by the tongue of truth

its a learning tool

lifes sign posts are full of hurt

and im no coward

too studious

eager to learn

 

is the door shut?

I don't think so

would it be hard for me?

oh no doubt

can I conquer hard?

every time

every time

even when I don't want nor wish

I just don't have it in me

to bend past the truth

that

yes

I love you

am content to never be with you

and for you to make your own choices

support them

be content

but to like it?

never!

 

silly love

stupid connection

but patient for a life time I have no choice

but just will be

compare all to you?

I hope not but think so

 

cannot be free

will not be free

all sounds like fearful compromise to me

but then

im not you

 

ive given up so much for people who didn't deserve it

thrown away family

who in the end

didn't deserve it

 

but live this life

be me

be free

its just who I am

and its not an easy task

and I wouldn't infect a dog with it

but

it feels wonderful

even alone

to stand tall

and call my home

my home 

say to me

Every night i dream I have had the courage to write to you. Every morning im reminded that im not as fearless as I think. Every day a fool I think I am to be hurt by a person so much and yet still want, miss that one. How can I miss someone this much? I distract myself with chocolate and old movies, focus on motherhood. Tell myself your much better off without me and that you want it to be this way. In the thinking of you needing it to be so I am calmed and can shut off my adult feelings and the grief of loss in me. I would be wrong to deny I am angry, but it is with life and not with any of the players. Could I, would of I, if only I had..... not meant to be... is all I can say to me 

i have merino

I think

all the things

all the lack of commitment

was nothing about

me

nor

being busy

 

 

all the things that I took personally

not about me

 

wash

excess wash

from a previous time

 

am I hurt?

of course.

 

i know

that if you could have just trusted me

communicated with me in a clear and honest fashion

trusted

my honest love for you

 

i sigh

 

it wasn't like this

you didn't

not wouldn't

i think couldn't

 

all those years of hurt

the programming

made it so

 

i am not angry with you

im understanding to an extreme

ive been in hard places

i after all understand

 

i get moment when i want to say hi

but i don't

i wont

give you a clean start

remove any confusion

 

but i miss you

but i like the calm in my life

i didn't realise how much energy i invested

just keeping contact

 

i wanted to do it

so i did

 

i like having not to worry

about my words

i know how i feel for you

so i never saw any negative

as i knew there was none

 

slowly

slowly

all the questions

grew in my mind

weeds of concern

 

questions

negative questions

 

and it grew

and grew

 

and i couldn't be patient any more

 

and i just let go

 

i accept this

it was a choice

not a reflex

much thought had gone into it

much time

much observation

 

and i wonder

do you miss me

as i miss you?

 

do you?

 

and the leaves are turning

and soon they shall fall

and dormant winter shall be with me

i have merino

i will be ok

in life

its just the price

the tree pays

here for a season

gone for three

it was true love

true love i felt for you

in

me

 

 



no room for pretence, no need for defence

in this space

our 2 faces

look at each other with knowing

that were on this path

facing the same way

supporting each other in the going

 

my focus is you

only you now its true

and im glad for you bring me all that I need

 

to give of myself

all of myself

and to be taken and loved for who I am

 

how my heart sores

hearing your giggles and snorts

your stories and wonderful logic

teaching you jokes

and watching your explore

the joy of laughter with me

 

I thought I could spread

myself out of my head

but I couldn't and Im glad to be back

nothing ventured

nothing gained

and no pain to be tamed

is settling

 

and all I can dream

is here infront of me

not a day

I shall loose

no

no more

 

even your snore

cute to adore

no room

in our home

no

no room

no more

 

lessons ive learnt

more shall be burnt

to the not the same list that's extending

and here with you

is the best through and through

and im secure that there is never any

pretending

wings

young man of mine

im going to take you places

show you faces

introduce to you

the world

 

we will spread our wings

taste delicious things

and

laugh, oh laugh

all the way

 

ill hold your hand

and will stand

by your side

and be with you

all the way

 

and oh what jakes

life does take

when freedom calls to us

and im just open

universal considerate token

and love sweet love

rules

through out

slap, hum, repeat

I no longer need an image

to prompt me to write

no, I need nothing

to be in full flight

 

and I see myself projected

and all the things I hid from

are there, right there in full beam head lights

I refuse to turn away

I sit here rooted

and this is what I find I say

 

I don't need to pay

I don't mind who I am

I don't mind hearing my heart

don't mind what it has to say

don't mind im a fool

don't mind im naive

honest

romantic

thoughtfully apologetic

self responsible

carry my faults

open to them

admit them

try hard to improve

never commit to them

that the strength I have

is a strength of humour

the never get me down

no matter the glower gloomier

the belly laugh hard

the awkward charm

the willing to dance

captivated by beautiful trance

that im super nice

honest times the thrice

that hard for the hiders

open hands

open heart

smile at the world

the feeler

the want to believer

the wishing on a star

the wanting to believe they all are

who they say they are

the walk in the truth

the bloggers babe ruth

the moment grabber

the sharpen the knife

lifes too short

stab

the dust myself off

the blank book

the lowest shelf

the bluest of Delpht

the child

the woman

the never force another

the thankful mother

 

and im glad

so happy

that all I am is mine

and mine is all for me

and I don't want a pint size pot of pity from a soul

make me laugh

pretence is for actors

something that is or the audience

fictional detractors

 

I am the happy fool

yes

let me love this role that I begot

and love this soul

that's forever too big

too intense

for something as shallow

as a poor pint pot

 

dallie you

dallie me

on my knees

shackles removed

and the laughter

rises

and

ha

I run a million miles an hour

processing

processing

I am from the future

let them all stay in the past

eat there pasture

water there grass

round the universe I go

stronger than strong

while the victims

paint there sorry tales

enable

enable

turn the table

enable

enable

soothe your soul

enable

enable

is a dirty game to play

I burn the cards

refuse to play

rather

dance on the table

write my own fable

from experience of life

not from a myriad of others experiences

I am strong

cos this is real

experience is my enabler

strength

is

my

smile

when your lie is so strong

you believe it yourself

better break that plate

wake yourself up

paint the blue Delpht

 

wake up wonderer

wake up

 

slap

hum

repeat