Every night i dream I have had the courage to write to you. Every morning im reminded that im not as fearless as I think. Every day a fool I think I am to be hurt by a person so much and yet still want, miss that one. How can I miss someone this much? I distract myself with chocolate and old movies, focus on motherhood. Tell myself your much better off without me and that you want it to be this way. In the thinking of you needing it to be so I am calmed and can shut off my adult feelings and the grief of loss in me. I would be wrong to deny I am angry, but it is with life and not with any of the players. Could I, would of I, if only I had..... not meant to be... is all I can say to me
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