critical standards

I went inside

insulated self with self

from the pain

from the feelings of loss

 

now I look

I ask

"were they rational?"

"did I implode a thing that held such value to me?"

 

and I don't know

days go by

increasing awareness of my roles

I am strong, but the hurt is by my own tongue

my own knowledge

 

I hurt you

I was childish

you went into self help mode

I felt abandoned

 

the rejection I felt

I now see was my own

yet I couldn't face this

projected it on to you

 

I don't want another chance to hurt you

I don't want the responsibility

want you to have room to heal in your own way

a way I do not understand yet respect

 

I wanted something I do not deserve

I thought myself aware enough

to observe

learn

improve

 

I realise

I am too selfish

I am too selfish

ignorant

brash

clumsy

 

who enjoys admitting they failed

but I did

by my own high critical standards

I felt short

by many miles

 

by many miles of golden sands

the love I offered

unravelled strand by strand

and that love that kept me so so warm

now is held by a single thred

which lays along

those golden sands

 

I hold my hands up

my life the poorer

trust me

my lifes the poorer