alone

alone

I had to use the phone

could of used some peppy talk

exhausted being own cheerleader

 

but im alone

and they do there best

but I understand

that self support

is my own test

 

there is no tenderness

in this day

thirsty I am

but I guess its ok

 

is it too much for them?

I don't know

my pain has passed 10

 

and I wonder about options for an out

im so far past

a simple scream and shout

 

im hurt

within this shirt

hurt

 

id move mountains

for friends

where's this got me? 

 

here

alone

in a place

I no longer call home

 

the table is cleared

I gobble scraps

off the floor

 

I know my place

safe

under the table

 

if I can see

there feet

when they swing towards me

I can retreat

 

ive reached out

but I wont pollute them

no room

 

so

I go quiet

 

 

silent

 

no comfort

they let me do it all alone

I understand

 

yeah

I understand

 

hurts

 

I lay here

face down

in the dirt

 

not a single hand

 

ill take the tent

ill take the car

ill take my son

 

and we shall go far

 

but they and them

and me alone

I don't know how I cope

hurt

alone

 

and I know

I would never

leave alone

a friend

like me

 

but I cope

always have

 

and when im done

rebuilt my life

back to fun

and all things bright

 

ill know

that I was left

all alone

full of pain

left to suffer

alone

 

 

 

 

cocoon

I sit

in all the choices ive ever made

 

im fearful

but not afraid

 

for ive paid in fleshy coins

and ive survived

 

and I sit

cos I know

its part of the process

part of letting go

 

from here

whenever its time to rise

I guess I learn just what

the time has let me surmise

 

I don't blame

I don't hate

although for years

I was stuck

in just that

debate

 

and keep him from this

oh I will

teach him protection

from others disease

there ill

 

if it means

that I walk

barefoot

on stony ground

then so be it

 

understand do I

that I have the power

of the eternal butterfly

I will eat my bitter leaves

then hang out

chrysalis secret

chrysalis in the trees

hanging about

resting

in gods breeze

 

I can feel it

right here

right around me

in this chair

and I rest

watch

feel the changes

not in my time

on the universes clock

 

I don't have to break out

scream

nor

shout

no

when ready

this cocoon of mine

will open

show me its time

 

and I cant wait to see

what colour wings

are given to me

 

exhausted

excited

optimistically

it will become divided

 

the search for safety

ignited

invited

 

wing building

is a hard activity to tame

not to point

not to blame

so inside I go

and feel the safety

as I go

 

I see I don't have to

keep you safe

that I watch

learn

yearn

for your embrace

 

and if not

well

respect that I will

enjoy the taste

of that bitter pill

 

when a love

so true

invites

what is best for them

not you

today

that them

is me

 

this fight

all mine

I have hope

lil confidence

ill be alright

 

but I miss you

alone here in my cocoon

but hold on

to all the new you have shown me

all the beautiful moments

all you have stood along with

and I wonder

 

you believe in me?

what do you see that I cannot right now

 

I sit back down

the suns come out

after the storm

I think wow

I cant believe it possible

that this charmed life is mine

 

universe answers

yes your'e worthy

you always have been

just sophie my darling

you are the last to see

 

so I rest

focus

on what I can do

on the signposts given to me

and that all of this

started aged 3

and I may run

and I may hide

but memories of that

haunt you

taunt you

learn to ignore them

learn to laugh again

don't hold onto the good

don't let it burn

 

take your wings

learn to fly

and rest upon

a revitalised sky

and dance in the air

remember that this sky does care

maybe more than that

but even the sky needs to rest

and that's all

that's that

 

 

 

 

 

around me

I watched the sky develop

Da Vinci clouds

swirling colours of the tender kind

although you were miles away

my eyes could see you

my heart feel

and I felt calm

that my love for you

gave me powers

ive never felt before

dormant?

I didn't need to fly

that it felt good

to watch your journey

you float by

and the gift I found

was in me

my minds eye

that I have a gift

as I watch these clouds drift

that being an observer

be tender strong

is a gift

not a crime

and has been mine all along

patience arrived

she didn't knock

door open

walked right in

patience put her arms around me

sang her peaceful melody

and I took an unforced breath

and the things I want most of all

patience gives me room

not to swamp them

not to prompt my own downfall

and for him

and for her

they must take a sigh of relief

smile

confer

yeah shes ok

that sophie gal

a little quieter

easier

some pain has gone

and there happy for me

that I am one step closer

to being gentler on myself

and all those

around me

 

under a shared dome

how many ways do I love you?

Shakespeare can you count it for me?

 

when your away

because im learning

finding

growing

something new for me

trust

its easier

but I think

I love her so much

and I say nah

its because shes away

and not here

your mind playing with you

and the time it drags

and I get cross with myself

at just how much I long for you

tell myself

this is ridiculous

and I get all crosspatch

and then I know im going to see you

and the hours play tricks on me

and I swear im going to be a lil distant

to protect myself

from how hard ive fallen

from all this new stuff in me

makes me feel a lil weird

cos im default fear

and its time to drive

and I go all zen

and I park

walk to your door

and I stand for a while

just enjoying the fact

your just on the other side of this door

that my eyes are going to find you real soon

and my hand twists to the left the door knob

and I am here

you are there

and I go all awkward

shy

cos im told its not cool

to be sappy

and cos I don't trust well

had enough hurt

im shy

cos I feel it

just being in that room with you

so strong

that it makes me mindful of actions

thoughtful to you

for you

for us

that I am not racy

that I don't do wrong

to you

to us

and slowly I relax

and the joy I feel

I cannot write

for I have no words

verbose has gone silent

and I cant wait any longer

and I reach for your hand

and pull you in

and

all is well

it has been all along

reassurance

pleasure

I don't care what words placed upon it

if I was to use one

it would be yours

and it would be

home

 

 

a fucking good start

how I love to write

I love the ability to paint

rainbows over a dark desecrated canvas

 

to be able

to weave

to feel

all the love

the good things

things from above

 

and it pours from me

drops from my fingers

keyboard digit love

the place where soul

becomes recorded

 

muse

oh muse of mine

my fine

fine muse

tissues not issues right?

and boy can it flow

you didn't run

didn't go

 

the first time

I have had company

did it make sense

emotional literacy?

 

id normally run

far from an audience

and fight alone

with in my face discordance

 

but it seemed I valued you

being there

and as it happened

I didn't even think to care

 

but you cared

 

cared enough to stay

and that's an emotional price

for love to pay

 

did you see ugly?

did you see rage?

did you see the other side of this page?

you saw all of my darkness

just all of it there

did you see

a wounded child

inside of me?

 

and back at my birthday

do you understand now?

was not about him

not about him one bit

about my feelings igniting

with chastisement were lit

 

a fire that strong

can only cause damage

so I don't really cope

on the whole I just manage

 

but this time is different

because you stayed near

helped me face my terrors

stand up to fear

 

I don't know what im doing

but im doing it well

want to grow to the light

not dwell

 

and I can feel you

in this house right here

even if you're on a road trip

living life

youre still here

 

for you have blessed me

with security

within my heart

and I don't care about anyone else

but in a relationship

that's a fucking good start

 

 

 

 

i hope ill do

I am the tree

away from the rest

I sit in a clearing

watching the moon undress

 

behind me the sun

tells of its goodnight

as it goes to rest

and whispers to me

sleep tight

 

and I am the tree

for tonight not alone

as you look for comfort

news from your phone

 

and I understand

that concern

but you are here

and for you I burn

 

the skies pink hues

reflect my blushing core

but as you surprise me

I can only want more

 

and to the river you take me

and I know in my heart

that this is where I wish to be

taken away at humid dark

 

being with the one

I can truly trust
not a thing
I wish
to even adjust

 

im not a bit bashful

as I remove my clothes

and into that river

we both go

 

and I listen

watch

feel this flow

and gaze at you

and just know

 

that this is special

I cannot deny

and heat and tension

wash over me
a sad bit of me dies

 

im in this river

this moment with you

confused with goodness I am

yeah that's all you

 

giggling with enjoyment

for you do know

that this is new territory

you take me

and I just go

 

for trust is a river

of heat and chill for me

but my love

I know its here I choose to be

 

and time goes quick

but all recorded

in my heart

through my eye

the thoughtfulness im accorded

 

I refuse to allow

the following day

to taint this evening

in any way

 

and you took me on

a magical ride

and I came out

realising I had no need to hide
no doubt

 

and you saw close up

the private me

of shyness

patience

thoughts ticking through

 

you enjoyed it

me away from comfort

understanding

I came willingly

thrillingly

along this road

 

but to be honest

I do not know what you see

but seeing your amusement

amuses me

 

im teased open

with expert hands

over hot tea

walks

talks

looks

books

observationally

 

and love so strong

built brick by brick

built slowly
yes

but runs quick

 

and strong enough for me to know

that if im too much

id want better

let you go

 

for the best is what I want for you

but in my heart

ill hope ill do

 

 

 

veothermal

I want to pull you in

take you in that doorway

make the day begin

again

 

I want stolen moments

more of them

every day

I want you here

not away

 

I want your skin

upon mine

your gentle sounds

that make my heart unwind

 

but I watch

observe

and my heart mends

and i could watch you showing me

all day long

 

i want the heat

give in

and not

retreat

 

and the slow

thigh strokes

when your asleep

images

i wish to keep

 

and all night long

i watch you sleep

agonising lust

in check

mine to keep

 

but know i want

with every breath

to feel your warmth

and tenderness

 

let you take me

on wild adventures ride

moonlit, across

this countryside

 

and

oh this journey

i do not know

this feeling

which way to go

 

but i calm the fear

remind self this is fun

and yes

im calm

to see the setting sun

 

oh how hard

it is for me

not to just push this energy upon you

how i want it all

and

now

 

and you calm me

 remind me

theres plenty of time

 

so i try and relax

go back to observing

the moonlight tracks

but oh so fierce

this inside of me

yeah

all over you

i want to be

 

 

long to be

oh joy of life

you come to me

in the faces

of folks

ive come to know

 

and in the masses

of painful doers

you shine

but this one

I know is mine

 

and bend for you

and flex

I shall

and be a better person

even when I don't know how

 

I shall

 

because

I know I am strong

and the world can be so

and I don't want to ever

pain you

lay my stuff on you

 

I have to focus

dig deep

to feel

that I am enough

 

and you over there too

up in a tree

you lead me on

the carrot

the ladder

of love so strong

 

and I ask not for you to do

for me

as I cannot do for you

but to ride besides me

hold my hand

and be you

 

and we are enough

and I can and will

walk up this very steep hill

and reverse the pain

plant it down

and I am the seed

to for fill my own need

 

and the love flows

and I grows

and I weather the storm

understand this is not a norm

that this was given to me

way back just after I was born

 

it is not mine to keep

but it clings to me

my sensitive heart

shocked back there at the start

 

and I watch

 

tentatively

I learn

I don't always loose what I love

that I am growing

that this is my turn

 

that it is the pain that ive carried

that's crippled relationships prior

and then she remarried

and I was cast away

alone

left alone with the bill

 

and ive paid

be dismayed

thought I deserved

be jealous when I compared

how loved others were

 

then he came

then you

and I know this is magic

and not tragic

 

magic

that's for me

cos if he chose me

then I must be special

worthy

and I refuse to drop this ball

and I tap my throat

prompt my deep breath

stand tall

no longer afraid of the fall

 

and I sit

I wait

work through my stuff

clear my plate

 

I feel that need for reassurance

that is my need

don't take it on

ill be ok

whilst youre gone

 

for I know your not gone for good

which is new to me

but to be honest

frank

in your life

by your side

I long to be

 

 

skylark

I fell

a little more

as the skylark

sang its song

 

hovering up high

in the hot summer sky

its full burst of sound

flowing

 

through the cars

open window

came its call

and such excitement

enthralled

 

so many connections

came forth

summers heat

could wither us

 

but no

common loves

brought forth

by your song

 

i heard it too

i head it too

and best of all

i got to share that moment

with

you

 

so waft your fan

run bunny run

let go out again

it was

so

much

fun

Ploppy Mud

amazing

amazing

moon

 

amazing

amazing

moon

 

plopping mud

playing our tune

sticky

oozy

mud

sing your song

glug

glug

glug

 

Mistress moon

illuminating

my love

as oozy floozy

mud sings her glug

 

I couldn't help but look

friend camera

allows me not to run

stay

understand

im allowed

invited

 

to be entwined

wanted here

by you

with you

to share

in universal beauty

that we both care

 

Mistress Moonlight

enhance

entrance

what is already

perfect

she did just that

 

and your smile

in the light

plopping mud

I can hear

but my eyes

on you

looking slowly

and you smile

mosquito thank you

for your bite

reminds me this is real

and this wheel

on my thigh

that this night happened with you

night sky

 

and all the thought

I saw it all

the cherries

blueberries

plates

and

such

the care

attention

how I adore
I saw
with out thought
appreciated
low
base vibration
old knowing

 

your eyes

your smile

time

doing

laughter

me wriggling

experiencing

first hand

first time

delight

 

I hold onto you Mistress moon

and every moon thus

a reminder to me

the power

of the simple

simple sacred

hearts awakening

natural talking

 

isn't it nice

to be in the open air

in nature

to hold each other

and not care

that no ones around

to fuel idle talk

that we can be normal

for this short time

and in my heart

that I can be yours

you can be mine

 

to be normal

and extraordinary

all at once
I don't care if im awkward
ill be awkward for you
and feel so wonderful
 stuttering
and staggering
there
being myself
safe with you
without a care

just being
just being
the rare treat of being
of not needing
of not wanting
not pleading
of knowing
there's no drama

in the moment
life melts away
liquid like the mud
plopping away
and all the good
is right in our hands
and I smile
at the wafting of a fan

thank you
for showing me
just how beautiful
life can be
that in this life
there can be
gentle
thoughtfulness
to
me

Sleep. Eat. Shower.Walk

I hit a moment

the lowest of the day so far

on my knees

and I was so far

from where I prefer to be

which is happier

within me

 

check list I booted to play

to help me get up

attempt to enjoy my day

 

eat

sleep

shower

walk

 

those are the choices

I give to self

and I view this knowledge

as my wealth

 

and I went to bed last night

just after my son

before even the sun

and rest my brain

relieve the mess

so tired was I

couldn't even undress

 

and there I laid

didn't here my son sneak in

was so grateful not to wake alone

in this house I now question

is it a home?

 

and it will be

because I will make it so

and if I make it so

then it shall be

and I crave the power

the energy

to push this motion through

 

so sleep I could tick

and took an hour to remember the list

just sad here

quagmire tryst

and put all my energy to my heels

get up

get up

get up

as I felt frozen

stalled in this spot

get up and fight sophie

get up

get up

choose the fight

use whatever is left

don't abandon yourself

to your mess

 

and I rocked my energy

from my heels

to my toes

and in one big push

I lifted of this chair

and I was up

and I could see

into my half drunk coffee cup

and where was I to go?

out of energy

I just couldn't think

didn't know

and I looked at the fridge

and thought EAT

remembered your message

and that gave me the push

 

and I thought I knew

what there was to eat

I thought I knew

that there was nothing in there

that id like to eat

but I still tried

opened the door

bent in

and puzzled I saw

something I hadn't put there

pulled it out

took off the upturned bowl

 

tears fell

I let them flow right now

just let them go

I don't want them

as I let them go now as I ride this

and I cut it in half

tears flowed

with each mouthful

I had cut it in two

half for me

half for you

but I will eat it all

and know its just how its meant to be

and know

im allowed it all

that this is just for me

in this moment I want to be

 

and I can tick

Eat

and I feel the love from the inside out

and I feel it heal and oil the old shelf

and I play adele 25

wash my brain

with sound

wash my heart with another's lyrics

 

I go back to rest

so much energy I used

to grit my teeth

keep my head up

and walk through the day

and I say to self

stop

stop it

stop thinking

relax

let the adrenaline pass

and to you I say

think of me as just away

if you need my just shout

im just finding a better way

for us all a better way

a better life

with no happiness tax

just a simpler

peaceful

way

of thriving

and im past the worst

and on my way

out

 

 

 

 

a place to land

you can find me

stalking my garden

eyes peeled wide
on any given day

perusing the soils riches

in my gardening britches

 

I see you birds

I see you butterflies

I see you spiders webs

and nothing do I despise

as im in my gardening disguise

 

and what moves there

my eyes they flick

and in my brain I take a mental pic

 

click

oh mighty bird

feeding your babies in your nest

or hovering monarch looking spawning space

go around the corner

your milk weeds a plenty

grown from seed

by my fair

hand

to give to you

some place to land

 

nectar feeder you go there

so from my window I can stare

and see if the position is correct

away from cats

for you birds I try to protect

 

and in my meadow

I refuse to mow

so lay in the grass

I can go

and watch you clouds

pass me buy

and watch me try

 

try to return the bounty

salvation this earth gives me

home to roam

caretaker for a short while

and in return garden

you want nothing but to see my smile

 

 

forgotton

 

 

mother was busy

daddy was drunk

sister a student

I was a flunk

 

alone I stood

and alone I stand

with my little boy

to hold this hand

 

defiant and thirsty I remain

for everyday I feel the abandonment of pain

 

and I look at the trees

and there always here for me

and I look at the birds

who visit daily

 

and I ask nothing of them

but permanence

don't leave me tree

don't leave me bird

without you all

im obsolete

absurd

 

I live a life

putting others first

a higher life

short of purse

when I think of self

it all goes wrong

put the cd on

loose myself in a song

 

in my heart

I climb this mountain every

day

stutter along

not sure of just what to say

 

so I go quiet

disappointed in self

re-write the chapter

find the spot on the shelf

in self

 

its not about any one else

guess I need to change

be more selfish

more insular

isolated

 

its not the way I want life to be

but seems if I give

the world will take all of me

 

so day organise yourself

im off dancing with an elf

down the steps I shall go

to the river at the bottom

and leave all my feelings there

to be forgotton

 

mother me

I love that you are here when I wake

that you're the last thought of my day

that all the blessed moments through

are filled with things I do for you

 

there will come a time

when you have places to go

other priorities

your journey

so

 

I love to be needed

wanted

and

loved

 

appreciate every moment

that my god gave me

you

from above

 

you have given me strength

when I was lacking

keep me honest

when fatigue leaves me slacking

 

and just when I think

I cannot go on

that the choices I made

are above me

that im all wrong

 

there comes a giggle

a connected moment

and my heart restores

flies so high

refills

renews

amazingly hasn't run dry

 

and I give

and I give

to all I meet

but getting home with you alone

that's my real treat

 

being your mum

makes me a priority

not last on the list

when you have no where else to be

 

and I love it

will never forget

that you came to me

when on my knees

id had enough

 

you gave me life

purpose constructed

sometimes I forget

think sophie deserves much more

but mother sophies cup is full

if I really look

 

mother me

you are enough

go to your kitchen

and cook

go to your garden

and shape it

put your energies where

they flow freely

and make it

happy

beautiful

freedom

enriching

then your heart

wont feel at the back of the cue
and all this was made
just for you
 

 

million volt smile

 

 

I needed you today

and I went out and got you

you eased my sleepless brow

progress not perfection

and here i see it in every direction

 

 

and the stream flows on

it flows on

into it i cast my troubles

watch them float

gone

 

and i ran

and i ran

following my little man

watching glee running through his veins

feeling alive in my bodies pains

and i was alive

and it was hot

and I sweated into the crucible

filled it to the top

 

in there

under the canopy of tree ferns

I am protected from self

I am protected from me

and i feel the stillness

and my body as it pours out pain

 

 

the stream washes all the energy

allowing me to make the measure of me

and i watch him

self contained

happy

joyful

faster

happier

than i

and i watch him

watch him fly

 

my thoughts

of you

I ran from

and once energy spent

I allowed you to come to me

and you were all around me

in the moss

the insects that found me

how beautiful you are

how gentle

my foot drops into icy water

wakes me

from staring at that fern

and im thankful

thankful for

space

 

in this space

im reminded

what a wonderful life I have

its a life to share

not to choke

with over care

and im thankful

im thankful

 

 

in pain I want to cling

its an instinct not effort

and i would suffocate you

and i dont want that

so i learn

I learn

and im thankful

 

I needed that wheezing run

to remind me that icy dips can be fun

and that blissful face

of boy on bike

renewed me

chewed right through me

refilled

redialled

up the wattage

on a million volt smile



6 year itch

 

I paid the price

for being strong

I hoped that life

wouldn't go on too long

 

my table

medication filled

each day

starting will handfuls of pills

 

I was prescribed

derided

my body groaned

my personality twisted

to accommodate the pressure

 

and today this picture

from 6 years ago this day

landed on a memory

came back to stay

 

and I have run

run

run

away from there

with such speed

fear driven speed

and my mind

fried

I died slowly

from the inside

 

many left

many left

alone I stood

alone I stand

fought with empty hands

 

and they said this

and they said that

they told me who I was

and told me when I said I wasn't

well you would say that

 

but new life folks

how do you see me

now there is only

half of me

 

and the pain

the pain

the emotional pain

of being there for so long

for having to be

and remain so strong

 

and I just wanted comfort

to be held

to be able to cry and be believed

oh they listened

then used my words to deceive

 

then I became a mother

miracle

when I say it was a miracle

that he saved my life

it is because it is fact

don't let my lack of tact distract

from

the miracle he is

 

mothers have value

where as sophie had none

and now I look

where did all those years go

where have they gone

gifted to pain

dropped straight down the drain

 

and still I rise

Maya Angelou

and still I rise

my bible

my disguise

 

tonight

I crumble

give myself the evening

to mourn

to pep talk self

for tonight

im on the shelf

im lost in past health

 

I do right to be alone

not my choice

but swami instincts

universe directed

I understand

alone im not rejected

that I can hug self

tend to own needs

 

and if people don't understand

well

im human

so are they

and my power

forgiveness

forgiveness

self tending shower

giving my day the best I had to offer

take myself to bed

shoot the ghosts within my head 

be grateful I survived

and not know

why im not dead