the gift

oh muse of mine

oh muse so fine

yes you my sweetest beauty

I try to write

with all my might

of others but im found lacking

 

my heart so full

of all the good

that you decanted unto me

 

 

if I could change myself

bring forth an elf

to sprinkle some magic dust

 

to increase my gentle

decrease my lust

oh how I would be so grateful

 

in my eyes

no prettier skies

have I ever trodden foot upon

 

inside out

there is no doubt

that beauty is just the word

 

all the energy gifted to me

has be used to garden my soul

I just wonder whats the price

of that generous gift to the giver

 

received with thanks

universal pranks

its strange how blessed i feel

 

to be chosen to share

the intimate air

with such a delicate

one such as you

 

our friendship will mend

be different

stronger

kinder

longer

 

 

just the thought makes me feel uplifted

but I shall never forget

the love that met

and for this I shall

always feel gifted

blue is the colour

I thought if I went out in the rain

that nobody would see my tears

keep everyone away from my pain

 

I trudged about

splashing my feet

enjoying my child's fun

 

and I looked up

and there you were

my miss marple

 

I told myself

as I had to walk by to get to the car

that I wouldn't make myself known

as I didn't want to cry

 

I tried

and to my horror

I saw my hand in view

and it reached for you

 

and there you were

and there you were

 

I bit my gums

to keep myself in the moment

wanted to lay on the pavement

and cry

 

but how I could I let you see that?

how could I let anyone see that?

 

I didn't know what to do

sadly thrilled at seeing you

 

and so

I walked to my car

keeping my son close

 

I sat in my car

choked

missing stuck in my throat

like a native in a stoats throat

 

I told myself

why didn't you ask them for coffee?

because I didn't know how I would be

didn't want it to make it difficult for another 3

 

took my tears home with me

took them home

 

I think

how do I get that friendship back

how can I ever go back to that

 

I want to

how I want to

 

I muse

maybe its not us but me

maybe this how it all is for me

to always loose the precious kindest souls

 

I don't have any choices

im all alone

in a house

 

and everywhere I go

we been before

so each remind me of you

and the time before

 

it wasn't all rosey

was hard all the learning

but authentic love I have for you

a rare commodity

 

I take the quitepine

helps me to sleep

went to see the doctor

a virus I had

told her my loss

 

and maybe its the rain

that makes me feel so grey

like there is going to be no end

to this loss

this grief

 

I count my blessings

I count them twice

ill count them all day

 

in the distance your still there

tending to yourself

and I want that

for you to only focus on you

 

but it doesn't take the tears away

doesn't stop me feeling blue

 

 

start again

I observed

knowing there was nothing I could do with the space

between us

 

I felt comfort

thankful to the rock pools

for giving you the peace I could not

 

I want to be the person that just lets go

I don't want this love I carry

I tell myself I shall learn to live with it

 

there is a gap

I try to fill it

but what filled it was unique

I have the knowledge I treasured all of it

all of you

 

id never had such a mind to share

so clever

so beautiful

so observant

so thoughtful

so kind

 

emotionally unavailable I think

not through wish

but through situation

through nature maybe

 

no judgment

just how it feels

 

im a realist

and a dreamer

took comfort in knowing you

the hugs

the touches

the looks

the blushes

 

I look in others for you

but you're not there

and im reminded

of my loss

my loss

 

I know in the end

if I was better

more together

that we could have made it

my heart wanted forever

 

so patient am I

that I will wait

this life time and the next

 

there I shall start the journey all over again

my search for you

and I hope

how I hope

 

that in the next life time

that it will be the time

that then

we wont pass like ships

 

that we can stay

and enjoy each other  love

that I can stay

that I can stay

 

and I wonder

what happened that day

how I hate this home

amalgamated as I am

 

I wont forget supposed friends stupidity

and the cost to me

frailty of my own forgiveness

 

I don't want to start a new with another

I want to start again

just with you

 

splat

words choke me

my choices land

mud splatters

grey sky thinking day

 

only from the outside

do I understand

love offered

returned

to sender

 

now im a pretender

suck it up

throw off the pain

scrub it off

watch it fall

 

splat

im a prat

no doubt of that

irrelevant is where im happiest at

 

on the margins

safe from harm

on the outside

alone

strong

 

that seed

it dropped through

a concreted crack

 

it grew

emotionally unavailable

it was

 

no matter how much sun shone

no matter how much water it was tended with

awkward tentative

grew against its will

 

but that seed loved its feet in the dirt

could see the world down here

could see up the worlds skirt

its secrets

 

crooked

weak

but the dirt gave its friend

all the love it could

gave it all its honest minerals

but the seed

wished not for minerals

but for vitamins

 

the storm came

had been before

the crooked seed tried

but a gust came

uprooted so said seed

and separated it from the dirt

 

off it flew

petals

stem

roots, a few

 

the dirt

safe under concrete slabs

under the crack a space

where seed had landed

roots had grown

 

but that was before the gust came

and now all that was left

was the knowledge

that the seed had flown

and a lasting impression

 

the earth

the greater part of that dirt

held it together

that dirt loved so much

it let the seed go

fly free

onwards on its journey

somewhere else to sow

 

and the rain came

and through the concrete a raindrop fell

and a muddy splat resulted

dirt let go

but never of the dream

the feeling of that union

forever germinating in its heart

 

and the splatted travelled earth

accepted its fate

tried to forget

couldn't

wanted a river to grow

wash it away

but I guess the price

the dirt pays

for having cracks above it

for its fertile heart

for loving the seed

for taking its chance

now the dirt could only participate

in a far off dance

 

rain kept coming

the rain kept coming

 

 

my home

oh how truly blessed I am

to be able to stand tall

to have shoulders wide enough

to carry the true opinionated

painfully earnest me

 

how I have walked on burning coals

and fought so hard

and lost so much just for the right

to be me

 

i ask myself

"is it worth it"

"would compromise have kept more and been easier?"

 

 

i am not the sort

to be able to speak a half truth

to live a half life

to not sleep in the gutter for my beliefs

 

 

it is the need to sleep straight in my bed

that makes me so

I cannot see the point of living this life I have been given

bent by others

 

even so

bent by others

this attitude of mine has left me

limping free

but free in truth and self responsibility i am

 

the convenient truth

that nothing and know one is

nor can be perfect

to themselves or to others

 

my sister tried to please

and bent and bitter she seems now

where did all her joy go?

I just don't know

she must have had some

shouldn't she?

 

I understand

truth

real life

struggles

I don't mind hurt

as long as it by the tongue of truth

its a learning tool

lifes sign posts are full of hurt

and im no coward

too studious

eager to learn

 

is the door shut?

I don't think so

would it be hard for me?

oh no doubt

can I conquer hard?

every time

every time

even when I don't want nor wish

I just don't have it in me

to bend past the truth

that

yes

I love you

am content to never be with you

and for you to make your own choices

support them

be content

but to like it?

never!

 

silly love

stupid connection

but patient for a life time I have no choice

but just will be

compare all to you?

I hope not but think so

 

cannot be free

will not be free

all sounds like fearful compromise to me

but then

im not you

 

ive given up so much for people who didn't deserve it

thrown away family

who in the end

didn't deserve it

 

but live this life

be me

be free

its just who I am

and its not an easy task

and I wouldn't infect a dog with it

but

it feels wonderful

even alone

to stand tall

and call my home

my home 

say to me

Every night i dream I have had the courage to write to you. Every morning im reminded that im not as fearless as I think. Every day a fool I think I am to be hurt by a person so much and yet still want, miss that one. How can I miss someone this much? I distract myself with chocolate and old movies, focus on motherhood. Tell myself your much better off without me and that you want it to be this way. In the thinking of you needing it to be so I am calmed and can shut off my adult feelings and the grief of loss in me. I would be wrong to deny I am angry, but it is with life and not with any of the players. Could I, would of I, if only I had..... not meant to be... is all I can say to me 

i have merino

I think

all the things

all the lack of commitment

was nothing about

me

nor

being busy

 

 

all the things that I took personally

not about me

 

wash

excess wash

from a previous time

 

am I hurt?

of course.

 

i know

that if you could have just trusted me

communicated with me in a clear and honest fashion

trusted

my honest love for you

 

i sigh

 

it wasn't like this

you didn't

not wouldn't

i think couldn't

 

all those years of hurt

the programming

made it so

 

i am not angry with you

im understanding to an extreme

ive been in hard places

i after all understand

 

i get moment when i want to say hi

but i don't

i wont

give you a clean start

remove any confusion

 

but i miss you

but i like the calm in my life

i didn't realise how much energy i invested

just keeping contact

 

i wanted to do it

so i did

 

i like having not to worry

about my words

i know how i feel for you

so i never saw any negative

as i knew there was none

 

slowly

slowly

all the questions

grew in my mind

weeds of concern

 

questions

negative questions

 

and it grew

and grew

 

and i couldn't be patient any more

 

and i just let go

 

i accept this

it was a choice

not a reflex

much thought had gone into it

much time

much observation

 

and i wonder

do you miss me

as i miss you?

 

do you?

 

and the leaves are turning

and soon they shall fall

and dormant winter shall be with me

i have merino

i will be ok

in life

its just the price

the tree pays

here for a season

gone for three

it was true love

true love i felt for you

in

me

 

 



no room for pretence, no need for defence

in this space

our 2 faces

look at each other with knowing

that were on this path

facing the same way

supporting each other in the going

 

my focus is you

only you now its true

and im glad for you bring me all that I need

 

to give of myself

all of myself

and to be taken and loved for who I am

 

how my heart sores

hearing your giggles and snorts

your stories and wonderful logic

teaching you jokes

and watching your explore

the joy of laughter with me

 

I thought I could spread

myself out of my head

but I couldn't and Im glad to be back

nothing ventured

nothing gained

and no pain to be tamed

is settling

 

and all I can dream

is here infront of me

not a day

I shall loose

no

no more

 

even your snore

cute to adore

no room

in our home

no

no room

no more

 

lessons ive learnt

more shall be burnt

to the not the same list that's extending

and here with you

is the best through and through

and im secure that there is never any

pretending

wings

young man of mine

im going to take you places

show you faces

introduce to you

the world

 

we will spread our wings

taste delicious things

and

laugh, oh laugh

all the way

 

ill hold your hand

and will stand

by your side

and be with you

all the way

 

and oh what jakes

life does take

when freedom calls to us

and im just open

universal considerate token

and love sweet love

rules

through out

slap, hum, repeat

I no longer need an image

to prompt me to write

no, I need nothing

to be in full flight

 

and I see myself projected

and all the things I hid from

are there, right there in full beam head lights

I refuse to turn away

I sit here rooted

and this is what I find I say

 

I don't need to pay

I don't mind who I am

I don't mind hearing my heart

don't mind what it has to say

don't mind im a fool

don't mind im naive

honest

romantic

thoughtfully apologetic

self responsible

carry my faults

open to them

admit them

try hard to improve

never commit to them

that the strength I have

is a strength of humour

the never get me down

no matter the glower gloomier

the belly laugh hard

the awkward charm

the willing to dance

captivated by beautiful trance

that im super nice

honest times the thrice

that hard for the hiders

open hands

open heart

smile at the world

the feeler

the want to believer

the wishing on a star

the wanting to believe they all are

who they say they are

the walk in the truth

the bloggers babe ruth

the moment grabber

the sharpen the knife

lifes too short

stab

the dust myself off

the blank book

the lowest shelf

the bluest of Delpht

the child

the woman

the never force another

the thankful mother

 

and im glad

so happy

that all I am is mine

and mine is all for me

and I don't want a pint size pot of pity from a soul

make me laugh

pretence is for actors

something that is or the audience

fictional detractors

 

I am the happy fool

yes

let me love this role that I begot

and love this soul

that's forever too big

too intense

for something as shallow

as a poor pint pot

 

dallie you

dallie me

on my knees

shackles removed

and the laughter

rises

and

ha

I run a million miles an hour

processing

processing

I am from the future

let them all stay in the past

eat there pasture

water there grass

round the universe I go

stronger than strong

while the victims

paint there sorry tales

enable

enable

turn the table

enable

enable

soothe your soul

enable

enable

is a dirty game to play

I burn the cards

refuse to play

rather

dance on the table

write my own fable

from experience of life

not from a myriad of others experiences

I am strong

cos this is real

experience is my enabler

strength

is

my

smile

when your lie is so strong

you believe it yourself

better break that plate

wake yourself up

paint the blue Delpht

 

wake up wonderer

wake up

 

slap

hum

repeat

 

 

 

 



apple pie

I lay

our bed time ritual

"stroke my head" he said

how wonderful, and I did

"i love her" he shared

I sighed and smiled a yes

I thought of us both

cast off

for conversations of hedgehogs

the flattering of strangers

its easier I guess

the turning away of a 4 year old boy

for the acceptance of one never to be met again

palmed off with bubbly aukwardness

and yes

I am glad

that in my own mixed up way

that loyalty runs through me

that I can never turn away

from those met

and that I accept

the darkness

and see truth

hard this for those who hide in the company of strangers

under the wing of life

yes

tis your way

to focus on other things

to run from discomfort

im glad to share with yon lad

the complications of the fickle world

to know

faults and foibles

are what makes the world so pretty

I love the light

for the shadows can dance

there is nothing more heart warming

than seeing the dancing of shadows

the honesty of there being

and the acceptance

of themselves

flatter to deceive

broke adam unto eve

and tickled my ribs

tickled my ribs

nothing was truth

and all was fibs

a half truth

is a full lie

and I would rather eat apple pie

 

 



contained

I like that there is a barrier

stops me from having to swim in foreign environments

I can watch

yet I can breath

and I don't have to deceive

nor pretend

that I can survive

in a dissolved air state

gill less

fin less

am I

gaseous I prefer

demand

require

no I don't want to swim in there

like my feet on this ground

like gravity at this ratio

no bottom feeder am I

eyes at 5 foot 5

is nice for me

and for all those caught in this tank

good luck to you

invisible barriers

stay there

don't crack

don't break

if I see one crack

drive my car

at break neck speed I shall

away

away

away

from you

I see sweat of condensation

condensing

even the humidity in this air I breath

its temperature

is drawn to you

that air moisture

corrupted to show itself

and surrenders in slow drips

down your invisible barrier

have it I say

worth this loss

to keep that body of water away

and it all looks inviting

and cooling

relaxing

temps me to float

but a barrier of a boat

I would need

no

don't touch me

keep the flow

of honest purposed shower

of honest tap

and in this way

the follies

of a tender trap

can stay

not stray

on the other side of the glass

Perspex plastic I would stay

for the force of the water

never wants to stay

contained

not for me

and turn my back

walk away

and smile

knowing

compromise I never want

wax smooth to make life run?

no not I

to me that compromise

sucks out

all the fun

nice to be with him

this side of the glass

watching fish swim

contained

on the other side of the glass

watch these water sheep

as they dream of freedom

knowing

they shall never smell the grass

I pity them

oh how I pity them

but wish to save them

I do not

for that's there fait

gigantic

pampered

but prisoners

of others wants

needs met

but dreams cast to the depths

yes I pity them

so grateful am I for the life times freedom from the pack am I

that I cannot feel sad for them

no

I cant even cry

you got caught

you were bred

and even gave away

the freedom

in your head

contained

all of you

too happy am I

to dance along my dry path

that smiles and laughter

sing out

my

journey

 

 

pants

im sat in my pants

watching butterflies dance

in

and

out

of my room

 

the sun is so hot

and im glad that its so

as Autumn is here

a faint shadow

 

I have so much to do

but for once

I sit still

and rest after months of running around

 

what did I find

on the journey of mind

well

little and much

in equal measure

 

I found I am strong

like parmesan pongs

a smile as cheesy

that's true

 

but strong in the head

equals soft in the heart

as one is required

to carry the other

 

I could be so blue

for love lost so true

but optimistic

and grateful

am I

 

and let you go

willing to know

all the defects I carry

I am

 

thankful I am

there was a time

you held my hand

I am and my smile tells me this so

 

so back in my pants

I love us

for giving it a chance

and for parting

when truth knocked

us a tune we wished not to hear

 

big girls pants

half naked I dance

to the song that we sang to each other

im happy to know

your where you need to go

and that's at the side of your mother

breaking the connection

your words

your actions

they walk there own path

but your eyes

 

I looked

so close

lash to lash close

and I know

 

I tell self

you are making it up

sugar coating it

but I know what I saw

 

I know you needed

keep me distant

couldn't even sit next to me

does the silence help you?

 

does it allow you to forget?

fill all the space thats now between us

with noise?

distraction?

 

I know what i saw

in moonlit reflective pupils

the smile

home

 

ill take im not too much

ill take mixed up

but I wont take it wasn't real

am open to seeing what I want to see

 

in your eyes

I looked

and I know what I saw

and it was more than a look

 

and I know

what not being able to look means

breaking the connection

no sound to judge

the vocal inflection

 

I guess I don't make it easy

honesty isn't that way

but remember my eyes

and I challenge you

to remain away

 

the love I have

doesn't come often

the last life time

had you forgotten

 

and if not now

then reborn ill search

and make eye contact eventually

we shall

 

if not now

then

round and round we shall go

I wonder if we will ever make it work

or will even learn how

 

friends forever

even if I don't know how

 

 

 



numbers

they camped liked strangers

couldn't even pitch the same way

nothing was parallel

chaperone required

 

un needed fear

used

truth pierced her

all precious

sensitive

trust less

 

eyes met once I think

swimming miles

accidentally I looked

2 smiles dived water wards

 

it was like being slapped

by both really

but I am used to numbers

im used to being against the masses

 

yes im strong

I said more than once

strong minded

yes

I am

I have had no other choice

life has been like this

I wasn't always intense

nor dynamic with opinion

but stand

and say yes that is me

I do

 

I always wanted not to be

wanted to be softer

tender

able to be more vulnerable

 

but where does this get one?

picked off by numbers

living in superficial passivity

scared

 

I understand fear

learnt to just go through it

scared?

well once you have been so scared you think it will kill you

and survived

it isn't so scary

 

I was bullied by many

and I never worried

nor cared for it

when a person needs back up

well

just makes me shake my head

even when that one has shared my bed

 

and if that one

needed support for other life

communication

earlier

would have stopped the strife

 

many things am I

unreasonable

I rarely am

keep me in the dark

and I don't grow into a fun guy

 

friendship

you had it all

held my hand

jumped off the cliff

stood silent

watched me fall

 

I wouldn't

couldn't

do that too a friend

those that stay

stay for life

those that don't

waved off

wished much luck

forgotten about

within the pages of

my book

 

 

critical standards

I went inside

insulated self with self

from the pain

from the feelings of loss

 

now I look

I ask

"were they rational?"

"did I implode a thing that held such value to me?"

 

and I don't know

days go by

increasing awareness of my roles

I am strong, but the hurt is by my own tongue

my own knowledge

 

I hurt you

I was childish

you went into self help mode

I felt abandoned

 

the rejection I felt

I now see was my own

yet I couldn't face this

projected it on to you

 

I don't want another chance to hurt you

I don't want the responsibility

want you to have room to heal in your own way

a way I do not understand yet respect

 

I wanted something I do not deserve

I thought myself aware enough

to observe

learn

improve

 

I realise

I am too selfish

I am too selfish

ignorant

brash

clumsy

 

who enjoys admitting they failed

but I did

by my own high critical standards

I felt short

by many miles

 

by many miles of golden sands

the love I offered

unravelled strand by strand

and that love that kept me so so warm

now is held by a single thred

which lays along

those golden sands

 

I hold my hands up

my life the poorer

trust me

my lifes the poorer